If All the World Were Paper
Poet anonymous (1641); adapted by Philip Hayden

If all the world were paper,
And all the sea were ink,
And all the trees were bread and cheese,
What would we do for drink?

If all the world were sand-o,
Oh, then what would we lack-o?
If, as they say, there were no clay,
How should we take tobacco?

If friars had no bald pates,
Nor nuns had no dark cloisters,
If all the seas were beans and peas,
What would we do for oysters?

If there had been no pirates,
Nor none that did great wrongs;
If fiddlers shall turn players all,
What would we do for songs?

If all things were eternal,
And nothing their end bringing;
If this should be, then how would we
Here make an end of singing?